And there's the rub

I usually completely gloss over this whole "leaving" thing, especially on here. It is so much easier to ignore the sadness, those quick bursts of panic, the involuntary clench in my stomach every time I’m reminded how much I will soon be missing.

What makes it hard is that the future is unknown. I could pacify myself with thoughts of incredible future friendships, with the adventurous traveling to new places, with meeting God in new ways, but let’s be honest.

The hope of an incredible, exciting future sometimes pales when juxtaposed with the painful ripping from the warm comfortable nest you have built for yourself. OH! I will miss babies being born! And precious family and friends getting married! Loved ones will be growing old! Children will be growing up! People I love will be throwing parties I can’t get to. Girlfriends will be snuggled on couches watching chick-flicks without me. I should BE there!!

This is a small glimpse of the desperate whining that goes on in my head. Nice, huh? What a good little missionary she is.

I usually allow this for a little while. It really is so valid- our lives are upside down and will only get more so in the next year or so. Browsing at anthropologie.com is usually a nice temporary fix, but the ONE thing that binds wounds and comforts beyond all comforts is God’s word. It doesn’t usually take away the pain. Oh no, the heart certainly still aches, almost breaks, but the words of the creator of the universe spoken to me is a balm like no other. One part I think of often:

"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life." Mark 10:29-31

He promises us that if, for his sake, we leave what we hold dearest to us, he will provide even more abundantly when we get to where we are going. Is that not incredible?! Spoken directly to my heart. I also notice that it doesn’t deny that there will be persecution. I like that. Our God is honest about what it costs to follow him. The question is: is it worth it? Perhaps a better question is: is HE worth it?

How could I not always say ‘yes’ to the one who died so I could have such freedom?!

I can truly say from my soul that to serve him and glorify him is my desire, whether that is always evident in my panic attacks or not. And he has never failed to carry me. As he will when each baby is born and I'm not there, when I am far away from weddings, when people grow old and grow up, or when loved ones are gathered far far away.

He is truly worth it.


Kerrie said...

Megan, I just feel so compelled to tell you how beautiful I think you are. The world is so blessed to have you and Clay in it. Thank you for doing what you are about to do, from those of us who simply are not brave enough to do it themselves. I love you both so much!

Anonymous said...

You're killing me Megan.
(am I the one that is growing old? :)
I love you dearly, Mama

Unknown said...

Megan - we have been doing through 1 Tim, and this week I thought of you and Clay when Paul encouraged Timothy with vs. 12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." The godliness I see in you two is a blessing, keep setting the example for all.

Kate said...

so, can I just copy and paste your post to my blog? have you read my heart lately? in other words, I hear you. Thanks for sharing so honestly! and I miss you and look forward to being a blessing to each other once we are on the other side of the ocean (I'll bring the chick flicks!).

Michelle Baker said...

My dear friend! Like Kate expressed, you took how I've been feeling and put them into words. And that verse hits me hard as well-such a necessary reminder of who He calls us to be. I miss you!

Jen said...

Megan, as I was reading this my stomach lurched. you know that feeling you described so well! That was very well put, and as Kate said um, can I cut and paste?? Praying for you guys and can't wait to hear about what it is like over there for you! Miss you guys!

Anonymous said...

Hey friend...I am catching up on your blog. So...true. You know we are sisters when our words match the depth of our hearts. Your writing is like poetry. That's a gift...don't hide that under a bushel basket. Love you.